hello gorgeous human.

i trust all is well with you.

i'm coming to you, three weeks post-op from my explant surgery.

in case you don't follow me on the socials, i had my explant surgery on august 9th.
for more on my process with all of that, you can read my previous blog post here.

i feel amazing. i look beautiful. and so much has changed in three short weeks.

my health is better than ever. the biggest noticeable change so far has been how deep i can breathe. the change was immediate. i had no idea in all my daily HIIT training that my breath literally could not get past my implants. i would take large gasps of air in-between our exercises and i just assumed i was tired and working hard because it was never enough.

it was only 3 hours post surgery i felt the oxygen literally go to my belly.
life-changing to say the least.

there is no doubt my strict exercise and diet regimen leading up to the surgery has played a huge part in my quick recovery, not to mention my body not having to...

Today is a day where we focus on one of the many aspects represented by the feminine. Motherhood.

When we highlight celebratory days as we humans do, no doubt it presents duality for the majority of us.

For some this particular day is a full-out a celebration, for some it is a day filled with celebration and grief, and for others, they despise it fully; it is only a mirror of the motherly nurturing they should have had or should be able to give and cannot.

What to do on days like today, when the rhythm of culture and society chooses to focus on an archetype that has such duality attached to it?

There are a few things, wrapped in my opinion, that we might benefit from:

•  observe without judgement: observe yourself | observe others
•  be present with your emotions today; and again, without judgement.
•  be mindful that your experience is unique to you and give your fellow human that same respect.
•  if you feel called, take some time to process what thoughts and feelings...

the year was 1996.
i was 18. fresh outta high school.
engaged to my soulmate.
and big boobs were in.

we all wanted to be in that red, lifeguard bathing suit, blonde hair, hourglass figure…and the boobs.
we love you pamela…and i’m sure borat still does too.

unfortunately for me, i got the short end of the genetics boob stick.
not only were my boobs “too small”, but the girls’ nipples acted more like turning signals than headlights.

mix all that with a fat dose of massive insecurity and perfectionism,
and i was a prime candidate for implants.

now i was a pastor’s kid at the time, and so the level of enhancement had to be in moderation, not too terribly noticeable, and just enough for the girls to boldly claim their new “highlights” status.

in february of 1997, a month before my 19th birthday and two months before my wedding, my breasts were enhanced to support my low self-esteem and soothe...

Yesterday was a really big day for me.

Upon first glance, it may not seem like much…but when you hear about my history with physical health, perhaps it will sink in.

Growing up, I observed my family unit pour every bit of themselves into their spiritual leadership of people’s lives.

Physical health was the last priority for all of us. I observed and participated in “on again/off again” dieting, extreme health goals that made failure a guarantee, “weight loss” celebrations from long-extended water only fasting, purchasing of indoor/outdoor equipment that was used a handful of times and then neglected, and the list goes on.

Many things contributed to my physical health becoming a priority.

The biggest one was my personal experience with my body aging…more aches and pains started to occur, digestive issues arose, deep skin wrinkles started to appear, and the overall healing process of a random injury had increased coupled with observing my...

when we create deep, meaningful, authentic intention to shift our reality, the universe shows up in exponential ways.

welcome to my present reality.

i will try to communicate with as little words as possible in this writing to explain what i am experiencing right now in my life. it seems impossible but i’ll try my best.

once life gets uncomfortable enough…however that comes about, failed relationships, loss of a loved one, a business deal gone wrong through power plays of others, unexpected, debilitating illness, financial devastation, an indefinite pause on our dreams due to events not of our making…we are finally faced with the glaring universal truth that all humans are subjected to:

control is a fallacy.

why the majority of us must experience and press through suffering in order to release that which holds our pretty little fallacies in place, i’ll never know. i wish truth was revealed to me differently, but so far, my greatest truths are revealed...

one year ago today, holding the duality of grief and excitement, i pulled out of the city that captured my heart from my youth.

i love sf. she is simply stunning.

jeff and i were engaged there, honeymooned there, hit a rough patch in the marriage at year 10 and came back to remember what “us” was all about, and in 2018 we were presented with the opportunity to move there.

i’ll never forget my excitement moving to the city i love and adored.

we left our 1930’s tudor-style home in comfortable east dallas, texas to brave the promises and beauty of the west by living on the top floor of a multi-family community building with gorgeous skyline views, nestled on the edge of the TL.

2019 was an amazing first year there and i thought it would last forever.

then came the woes of 2020 where every last one of us experienced so many levels of shock, bewilderment, grief, and suffering.

this is not a post about “2020” at this time, but for context, i’d...

it’s weekly that a beautiful, brave woman reaches out to me.

she’s asking for guidance.

i’d love it if she was asking about how to start her business, get physically healthy, or even have a better relationship with her partner.

these topics feel safe to me, i’ve had success with them, and can lead perfectly in those spaces.

but that’s not where she’s at right now.

she is reaching out because what she’s known of god and her personal experience with the church is no longer working for her and she has no idea how to move forward.

she desires to honor and have massive gratitude for where she’s been and the beautiful people that have led her to this point, and at the same time, feels this inward pull to begin exploring god outside of the interpretations of others and their boxes.

the debilitating fear of disappointing others, leaving their beliefs, what this could mean for her relationship with them leaves her paralyzed in a numbing state...

April 4th, 1997.

I was freshly 19 years old and walked down a church aisle to say forever to the man I'd felt connected to since I was 10 years old.

We were 6 years apart; and our relationship started out as friends on a church campground in Tioga, Louisiana.

We were both Pastor's Kids, spent the majority of our early lives in church, and thus knew each other from those circles.

My heart would skip a beat when I would pass him inside an office, on the softball field, or at church; and society presented the notion, at the time, that it was incredibly inappropriate for a woman to initiate with a man, but...My little rebel heart, once I became a mid-teenager, would flirt in ways that most would not catch. But he caught it.

Finally in January 1996, he mustered up the courage to ask me if I was sensing what he had always been sensing between us. I crashed that beautiful advance with the, "I think you need to talk to my dad." comment. Can you imagine?

Fast forward to August, we were...