hey hey you beautiful people of earth.

today is a massive celebratory day for me.

in times past, i would "celebrate" this day by reflecting on the wrongs i had done to myself and others and focus on how despite my wretched self, full of sin, and the bad person i was, jesus came in and saved the day through his perfection and blood.

i would remind myself of the guilt and shame i brought on myself through my bad decisions, and while still believing i was capable of this wretchedness again, would turn to jesus, his unconditional love, and "celebrate" that i found the courage to get out of the deep sin i was in. 

typing this out above here makes me feel nauseous.

the fact that any of us have this perception of ourselves...that we are born, as innocent babies, into sin, and have to find our way back to god through this means or that means feels so innately wrong within the very essence of who i am. my body constricts at this notion.

the feelings and beliefs around shame and guilt wrec...

ok let’s pick back up from our conversation that took place right before easter. if you’re a new follower and reading this for the first time, i recommend you go here to read the first half of this conversation before diving into this one. 

what did jesus mean when he said “you bow before the law…”

first off, i’m not a scholar by any means. not formally educated in scripture in any way, shape, or form. my only experience is growing up in the church as a pastor’s kid and then following in my parent’s footsteps by pastoring. it is incredibly important to note, i have only been exposed to the westernized evangelical messaging and scriptural context found within such in my culture. it was only when i stepped away that i began to learn the depth, variance, and context when analyzing scripture. above all, i listen to my gut…my intuition. my body tells me when something is off and i need to look further into it. 

this indirect, interpretive quote of jesus, “you bow before the law…and viola...

enough.

i’ve had enough.

this blog post was supposed to be the latest update on my horse rescue journey, the purchase of my new truck, and all the things going on with my trust journey as of late.

however, i was hit up again this week from another dynamic, powerful, successful woman, who is reeling from the devastation of losing familial relationships because of boundaries she implemented all around religious theologies and the differentiation experienced within such.

i am ready to speak up about my journey within the church, how i have navigated this within my family, and how i have forged my path in discovering my own truth as it relates to god, salvation, heaven and hell, and various religious practices...all of this in hopes of helping those of you who have reached out to me over the years for guidance in navigating issues such as those mentioned above.

i desire everyone to hear about my journey, eventually; but this first expression will be held for those of you who reach out...

when we create deep, meaningful, authentic intention to shift our reality, the universe shows up in exponential ways.

welcome to my present reality.

i will try to communicate with as little words as possible in this writing to explain what i am experiencing right now in my life. it seems impossible but i’ll try my best.

once life gets uncomfortable enough…however that comes about, failed relationships, loss of a loved one, a business deal gone wrong through power plays of others, unexpected, debilitating illness, financial devastation, an indefinite pause on our dreams due to events not of our making…we are finally faced with the glaring universal truth that all humans are subjected to:

control is a fallacy.

why the majority of us must experience and press through suffering in order to release that which holds our pretty little fallacies in place, i’ll never know. i wish truth was revealed to me differently, but so far, my greatest truths are revealed through the release.

release...

one year ago today, holding the duality of grief and excitement, i pulled out of the city that captured my heart from my youth.

i love sf. she is simply stunning.

jeff and i were engaged there, honeymooned there, hit a rough patch in the marriage at year 10 and came back to remember what “us” was all about, and in 2018 we were presented with the opportunity to move there.

i’ll never forget my excitement moving to the city i love and adored.

we left our 1930’s tudor-style home in comfortable east dallas, texas to brave the promises and beauty of the west by living on the top floor of a multi-family community building with gorgeous skyline views, nestled on the edge of the TL.

2019 was an amazing first year there and i thought it would last forever.

then came the woes of 2020 where every last one of us experienced so many levels of shock, bewilderment, grief, and suffering.

this is not a post about “2020” at this time, but for context, i’d like to point out that 2020 was the year ...