hey hey you beautiful people of earth.

today is a massive celebratory day for me.

in times past, i would "celebrate" this day by reflecting on the wrongs i had done to myself and others and focus on how despite my wretched self, full of sin, and the bad person i was, jesus came in and saved the day through his perfection and blood.

i would remind myself of the guilt and shame i brought on myself through my bad decisions, and while still believing i was capable of this wretchedness again, would turn to jesus, his unconditional love, and "celebrate" that i found the courage to get out of the deep sin i was in. 

typing this out above here makes me feel nauseous.

the fact that any of us have this perception of ourselves...that we are born, as innocent babies, into sin, and have to find our way back to god through this means or that means feels so innately wrong within the very essence of who i am. my body constricts at this notion.

the feelings and beliefs around shame and guilt wrec...

enough.

i’ve had enough.

this blog post was supposed to be the latest update on my horse rescue journey, the purchase of my new truck, and all the things going on with my trust journey as of late.

however, i was hit up again this week from another dynamic, powerful, successful woman, who is reeling from the devastation of losing familial relationships because of boundaries she implemented all around religious theologies and the differentiation experienced within such.

i am ready to speak up about my journey within the church, how i have navigated this within my family, and how i have forged my path in discovering my own truth as it relates to god, salvation, heaven and hell, and various religious practices...all of this in hopes of helping those of you who have reached out to me over the years for guidance in navigating issues such as those mentioned above.

i desire everyone to hear about my journey, eventually; but this first expression will be held for those of you who reach out...

April 4th, 1997.

I was freshly 19 years old and walked down a church aisle to say forever to the man I'd felt connected to since I was 10 years old.

We were 6 years apart; and our relationship started out as friends on a church campground in Tioga, Louisiana.

We were both Pastor's Kids, spent the majority of our early lives in church, and thus knew each other from those circles.

My heart would skip a beat when I would pass him inside an office, on the softball field, or at church; and society presented the notion, at the time, that it was incredibly inappropriate for a woman to initiate with a man, but...My little rebel heart, once I became a mid-teenager, would flirt in ways that most would not catch. But he caught it.

Finally in January 1996, he mustered up the courage to ask me if I was sensing what he had always been sensing between us. I crashed that beautiful advance with the, "I think you need to talk to my dad." comment. Can you imagine?

Fast forward to August, we were en...