hey hey you beautiful people of earth.

today is a massive celebratory day for me.

in times past, i would "celebrate" this day by reflecting on the wrongs i had done to myself and others and focus on how despite my wretched self, full of sin, and the bad person i was, jesus came in and saved the day through his perfection and blood.

i would remind myself of the guilt and shame i brought on myself through my bad decisions, and while still believing i was capable of this wretchedness again, would turn to jesus, his unconditional love, and "celebrate" that i found the courage to get out of the deep sin i was in. 

typing this out above here makes me feel nauseous.

the fact that any of us have this perception of ourselves...that we are born, as innocent babies, into sin, and have to find our way back to god through this means or that means feels so innately wrong within the very essence of who i am. my body constricts at this notion.

the feelings and beliefs around shame and guilt wrec...

ok let’s pick back up from our conversation that took place right before easter. if you’re a new follower and reading this for the first time, i recommend you go here to read the first half of this conversation before diving into this one. 

what did jesus mean when he said “you bow before the law…”

first off, i’m not a scholar by any means. not formally educated in scripture in any way, shape, or form. my only experience is growing up in the church as a pastor’s kid and then following in my parent’s footsteps by pastoring. it is incredibly important to note, i have only been exposed to the westernized evangelical messaging and scriptural context found within such in my culture. it was only when i stepped away that i began to learn the depth, variance, and context when analyzing scripture. above all, i listen to my gut…my intuition. my body tells me when something is off and i need to look further into it. 

this indirect, interpretive quote of jesus, “you bow before the law…and viola...

enough.

i’ve had enough.

this blog post was supposed to be the latest update on my horse rescue journey, the purchase of my new truck, and all the things going on with my trust journey as of late.

however, i was hit up again this week from another dynamic, powerful, successful woman, who is reeling from the devastation of losing familial relationships because of boundaries she implemented all around religious theologies and the differentiation experienced within such.

i am ready to speak up about my journey within the church, how i have navigated this within my family, and how i have forged my path in discovering my own truth as it relates to god, salvation, heaven and hell, and various religious practices...all of this in hopes of helping those of you who have reached out to me over the years for guidance in navigating issues such as those mentioned above.

i desire everyone to hear about my journey, eventually; but this first expression will be held for those of you who reach out...

hello gorgeous human.

i trust all is well with you.

i'm coming to you, three weeks post-op from my explant surgery.

in case you don't follow me on the socials, i had my explant surgery on august 9th.
for more on my process with all of that, you can read my previous blog post here.

i feel amazing. i look beautiful. and so much has changed in three short weeks.

my health is better than ever. the biggest noticeable change so far has been how deep i can breathe. the change was immediate. i had no idea in all my daily HIIT training that my breath literally could not get past my implants. i would take large gasps of air in-between our exercises and i just assumed i was tired and working hard because it was never enough.

it was only 3 hours post surgery i felt the oxygen literally go to my belly.
life-changing to say the least.

there is no doubt my strict exercise and diet regimen leading up to the surgery has played a huge part in my quick recovery, not to mention my body not having to ...

Today is a day where we focus on one of the many aspects represented by the feminine. Motherhood.

When we highlight celebratory days as we humans do, no doubt it presents duality for the majority of us.

For some this particular day is a full-out a celebration, for some it is a day filled with celebration and grief, and for others, they despise it fully; it is only a mirror of the motherly nurturing they should have had or should be able to give and cannot.

What to do on days like today, when the rhythm of culture and society chooses to focus on an archetype that has such duality attached to it?

There are a few things, wrapped in my opinion, that we might benefit from:

•  observe without judgement: observe yourself | observe others
•  be present with your emotions today; and again, without judgement.
•  be mindful that your experience is unique to you and give your fellow human that same respect.
•  if you feel called, take some time to process what thoughts and feelings arise on days
...

it’s weekly that a beautiful, brave woman reaches out to me.

she’s asking for guidance.

i’d love it if she was asking about how to start her business, get physically healthy, or even have a better relationship with her partner.

these topics feel safe to me, i’ve had success with them, and can lead perfectly in those spaces.

but that’s not where she’s at right now.

she is reaching out because what she’s known of god and her personal experience with the church is no longer working for her and she has no idea how to move forward.

she desires to honor and have massive gratitude for where she’s been and the beautiful people that have led her to this point, and at the same time, feels this inward pull to begin exploring god outside of the interpretations of others and their boxes.

the debilitating fear of disappointing others, leaving their beliefs, what this could mean for her relationship with them leaves her paralyzed in a numbing state of living a basic life that lacks abundant ad...